Music and Mood Swings

Music and Mood Swings

Still feel really shitty. I don’t even know why. I should be happy, my cousin/uncle/aunt came to visit today and we’re seeing them again tomorrow morning… but I just feel really blue.

Freaking hormones. I mean, I woke up crappy this morning, didn’t get much better throughout the day. Then my cousin Meg showed up at around 5:30pm and she proceeded to get on really well with my sister. I guess I felt left out, like a jigsaw piece that didn’t fit… at all.

I tried to share my “Les Mis” epiphany with them, but they couldn’t give less of a shit.

Song for my mood right now: “Liquid State” and “The 2nd Law: Isolated System”, by Muse

I don’t know why I suddenly feel so lethargic, I really didn’t want to wake up this morning at 11am… but mum turned the aircon off and I had no choice (well… I put up with the mugginess until mum started yelling up at me from downstairs).

I have tuition tomorrow at some ungodly hour- 11:30am. If that isn’t bad enough, my rellies are coming around for breakfast. For fuck’s sake. I have to be awake at 9am… ready for action by 9:30am. I’m going to die.

The last 4 days of school really took it out of me, on top of the emotional strain my Head of Year trying to have a “pep talk” with me and Buiface on Thursday… and all the bad news that’s flying around about Oxbridge applicants. I just feel really blue.

I can’t wait to leave. I feel trapped here. It’s like in “Fight Club” when the narrator talks about insomnia…
“… without sleep, and everything becomes an out-of-body experience.”
“Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. The insomnia distance of everything, you can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you.”
“Losing all hope was freedom.”

Yeah. It’s a bit like that right now. First world problems and all that shit, but I don’t really care because right NOW it’s my reality.

I’m stuck with teachers I can’t stand and people I can’t wait to be rid of. Faking emotions I don’t feel and smiling at people that make me want to be sick. The worst is when you can’t even be real around your own family. When you know there are other people out there that are much worse positions than you are right now, and they’re probably not whinging as much as you are.

I feel weak. It sucks because I know I have friends I can talk to about this, but I really don’t want to. It’s like I just want a stranger that I can open up to, a complete and utter stranger that will listen to my petty little problems… and then whisk me away in the sunset.

I know my school friends will/are reading this. Please don’t bring this up in conversation with me, ok? Haha. I’m blogging. This is my diary in a sense.

I’ve always been an open book. I find it very hard to keep my own shit together. Other people’s secrets? I’m a locked safe. My own secrets? I feel some bizarre need to paint the town with them.
And- even more bizarrely- am surprised when people hurt me with them. Like I’m never prepared for people to betray me. It’s a stupid way to live I suppose- putting too much trust in people I hardly know. But hey, it’s a bad habit that I’ve never learned to break.

I’ll probably be over this shitty day come daybreak tomorrow. I’ll probably be embarrassed I even *wrote* half of this.

*Sigh*

I’m my own biggest disappointment I suppose.

But in the words of Anna Nalick:

“If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer
Inside of me threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to”

Oh well, it is now 1:30am and I have an early wake up and another pointlessly long day ahead of me. I’ll probably procrastinate and get fuck all done and realise I’m a total loser come night fall and then work too late and be even more exhausted come school. I’ll be emotionally fragile for a bit, but then I’ll get the fuck over it and move on like I always do.

Why change something that happens to work for me? Feeling sorry for myself is a rare yet common thing for me. I’ll get over it. Night everyone!

PS- Mrs. Warren Part 2 will be out soon (I hope) haha.

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