Hoy Choy-Yoy

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The title for this post is not the correct spelling… but it certainly is the correct pronunciation, that is as long as you say it with a despairing-for-your-life-because-you’re-so-screwed-for-mock-IB-exams kind of way.

Sat in English Lit just wondering whether it would be more painful to pile all my IB files and papers and books as high as they will go, then jump head first off them (I have no doubt in my mind that it would be high enough that I’d probably die on impact with the ground…), or if I should just do the conventional… and jump out the classroom window.

We’re doing “Streetcar” and “Warren’s” notes and I just know there is no way around how screwed I am. I can’t do the English exams, I’m not even kidding. A1, unseen commentary… ugh. Never been very good at it. Then there’s A2… the play text comparisons… eeeesh, I think if I had a few more days to revise quotes I’d be okay but only okay. This will be the first time we attempt to do an A2 paper and I have a really bad feeling.

My teacher (hey look at that! The first time I’ve not referred to him as: Mr. Asshole) still wants our World Lit essays in. The one that I haven’t finished re-writing yet. My philosophy teacher also wants my IA in. Another one that I haven’t even started editing yet. Then on top of that I really need to start revising for the mocks tomorrow.

Jaysus. I don’t even know. One step at a time. One step at a time. That’s all I can do. That’s all that’s left to do. I’ve pushed myself into this tight place, I can recognise that. Doesn’t mean I like it (nor regret it…).

Ugh. No. Life. IB. Don’t want.

So what can I say that will make this post more interesting for you lovely people that have taken the time to read this far…

I don’t really know. Ha. Sorry. Um. For you fellow IB-ers out there, I’m sure I’ll be posting more IB Notes up soon (still working on Warren’s Part 2, don’t worry!)… Right now I have a mind full of simultaneous fear and knowledge. This dream of finishing IB with a 40 is becoming as distant as my dream to go to Greece. Sure I’m revising, just as sure as I’m still saving up for Greece, but at the end of the day… what does it matter? I’ll still probably not get a 7 in English. I’ll still probably not end up going to Greece this year.

I don’t know why society/life feels the need to dump on pretty much everything we love. Not always, but we only really remember the bad times, don’t we? It’s easier to complain than it is to accept that you’ve fucked up.

I have fucked up.

It’s no use wallowing, although it’s the most tempting avenue of action right now… I need to get my shit together as best I can before I do mocks or exams.

I genuinely cannot believe that exams are so freaking close. Seriously. Just over three months to go. Ughhhhhhhhh. I can do it.

I

Can

Do

It

I have to.

If I want to live, to face myself in the mirror for the rest of my life. I have to do it.

Sounds extreme, but I’m not kidding. I don’t think I’ll be able to respect myself unless I get 38-40 points… I felt so shit about myself after my GCSEs despite getting straight A/A*s. I didn’t get enough A*s. I needed more. I expected more. This is why IB is so important (well, partially why it’s so important) to me. It’s my redemption. Sure, IB is a whole different game plan. I can’t apply my GCSE “successes” to my IB “successes”. Even if I fail something at IB, it’s still better than anything I could dream of doing at GSCE…

The bell’s just gone. Not been in trouble. PHEW!

PS- I desperately need to remember to find my glasses… my eyes are killing me :/

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