Feeling Irritable. (Warning: Rant)

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It’s times like these when having a blog that school people know about AND skipping a night of sleep combines and creates something ugly. I just wish that people at school didn’t know about this damn blog. Ugh, it’s hard because I don’t want to write things I don’t actually mean because it’s hard to express tone through text. But I just GRR I censor my blog, a lot, I say no reals names I keep stories as anonymous as I feel is necessary… but of course people who go to my school will know who I’m talking about when I say certain things.

Ughhhhhhhh… I don’t know what to do or say. The whole point of this blogging is as a way of me to talk to the world, it’s for myself. I completely understand that people have rights and boundaries that I must respect… but when there are people at school reading what I post and then asking around for the real identities of certain people in stories (resulting in even HEAVIER editing of previous posts….) I just, I don’t know how to react. Short of changing my url… but I don’t want to do that because I love my url and there is no other url for me.

I don’t understand why people feel the need to pry. It should be a privilege to read someone else’s diary (at the same time I totally understand that I’m bringing it on myself for putting my “diary” up online for the world to see).

Maybe I’m just a little more frustrated by it because I didn’t sleep last night, maybe, who knows. But I’ve had to heavily re-edit (TWICE) one of my posts about the weekend (in which I’m pointing fun at myself and no-one else) simply because I mention relationship statuses.

ARGH! I know perhaps I shouldn’t have put some of the stuff in the first one and I was more than happy to edit it out to please everyone.

BUT HOW IS IT FAIR TO TEASE ME WITH THE NICKNAME “SUPERGIRL” BUT NOT ALLOW ME TO TELL MY OWN BLOG ABOUT THE STORY BEHIND IT?

I don’t say names. I don’t say much about anyone really, except myself. But there was one detail that made them ask me to remove all of it (which I respect, at least they asked and didn’t start a fight). I just…  grr… maybe it’s because I’m envious of them all because they can flit off with their close ones and talk about everything and at the end of the day, here I am, blogging to all you lovely netizens… but I’m still alone. I’m still only telling my side of the story to a machine.

My laptop can’t laugh back or hug me or poke fun at me.

(Heaven forbid I should have to now remove THIS for fear that people might suss who I’m talking about -.-)

I just want to be explicit here: I am not aiming any of this AT anyone. I am ranting to my laptop. For the love of all that is good out there, do not think I am having a go at anyone. I’m just sitting here, alone, on my laptop, telling my side of the story. I’m tired and irritated and stressed and I just wanted to be able to scroll back through this blog and smile at the stories. I wanted you all to be able to do the same. But no. School people know about this blog (I can count how many on one hand), but if they start asking questions then it’s like a pebble in a pond. I really don’t see why anyone in my school would be even slightly interested in my blog. Like, at all.

People are entitled to their privacy. Granted. I have respected that and changed the necessary in accordingly.

I JUST WANT TO GET OUT. I feel so trapped here. I’m in a fab friendship group, that’s not the point. I feel trapped by the other school kids. I don’t talk about this candidly with anyone, it’s so easy to talk to an inanimate object. So why am I being forced to censor my thoughts?

And you know what really sucks? I’m pretty damn sure someone will read this and either get offended, upset, angry at me OR want to chat about it. I DON’T WANT TO CHAT ABOUT IT. I am in a shit mood. My stress limits have stretch marks that have stretch marks on them. In 44 days I start my IB exams and all I want to do is burst into tears in random stairwells.

Ugh. I’m not angry for having to edit my posts (god I sound bipolar). I’m really not. I’m just frustrated that other people feel it’s necessary to spread the word about my posts to the point where I have to edit them.

Okay… that sounds like I’m trying to be sneaky. I’m not trying to be sneaky. I just wish fellow schoolmates would just stop reading my damn blog sometimes. It’s NOT FOR YOU! It’s for me and it’s for the thousands of random strangers out there that have visited my blog over the last 5 months!

My school already knows a lot about me. Too much, enough. I want a forum where I can feel like I’m talking to people and getting this all off my chest… and at the same time don’t feel scared that people are going to talk to me about this.

I don’t want to talk about it- if I did I would have freaking approached you first. That’s the idea. You don’t read someone’s diary and then talk to them about how they were feeling the night before if they were feeling shitty. They might have moved on since then. If they haven’t? Then fucking give them space, they’ll come to you if they want help.

Also, this is just a side note seeing as I’ve got a nice rant going here- do not fucking tell me that my problems are trivial compared to OTHER TRIVIAL PROBLEMS. WE ARE ALL TEENAGERS. ALL OUR PROBLEMS (pretty much) ARE TRIVIAL. NO ONE IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. Just because you are experiencing YOUR problems and not MINE does not make your problems more valid or important or serious than mine. If you’re that kind of person, take a fucking step back before you go accusing other people of only being worried about “small things”. For all you know they’re not that fucking small.

In the wise words of Plato:

Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

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