3 More High School Wake Ups

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So that was a fun morning assembly. Goodness I can’t wait to get out of this damn school. I suppose the silver lining is that that was the very last assembly with my HOY I’ll ever have… except for the graduation assembly we have on Friday that I’ll be leaving early from for rehearsals.

Every damn week he does the countdown.

Today he FINALLY brought up Prom and was like: “oh hey lol there’s a prom email going out tonight lol yeah do the form and get the cheque and bring it in tomorrow or else lol”. I want to throttle him.

Then he went on to talk about Muck Up Day and how it shouldn’t be called “Muck Up” Day and that we’re essentially getting rid of it thanks to last year’s cohort. Which is great. Not. One by one they’re whittling away our “Sixth Form Privileges”.

We have a fire drill during P2 so that should be interesting… today is pretty full on actually…

P1- Normal
P2- Fire drill
Break- Ladakh meeting + See HOY about acapella performance on Friday
P3- Concert rehearsals
P4- Normal (ughhhh it’s English… might try to skip it… but he has DEFINITELY seen me in school so I’ll need to be very careful about how I do this…)
Lunch- Choir rehersals
P5- Normal
P6- Normal (but I have an essay due in that I haven’t done, whoops)
Biology Tuition
Maths Tuition

And then I get to stop and breathe and TRY to get an English essay done for tomorrow. IBFML. No, I am the main reason I’m in this shitty position. I don’t know how to get my act together… I’ll sort it out somehow.

Whatever.

You guys were a bit funny yesterday, the searches that got you here were quite nice!

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All except the marshmallow death one were quite sweet! 😛

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Post-Exam Surprise (Warning: Rant)

Post-Exam Surprise

So today was eventful. I’m dying. So tired that my face hurts. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, I’m not ready to see anyone… UGH

I have TOK and Philo Plans to do before I can go to bed though… still no sign of my Philosophy folder *sobs*

I have a meeting and a rehearsal in my first period “free”… I don’t know if I’ll even be able to walk.

My participation in the Classics Symposium is a mere week and a half away… I want to cry because I want so badly to do well that I can’t stand the pressure I put myself under. I haven’t studied the play “Pseudolus” for the last year like the others have. I’ve had Chinese every time they’ve had Classics. I haven’t given myself the time to fully prepare a speech on my EE for the evening either.

I want to do SO MUCH, but there is nothing I can do… but there is. ARGHHH

And because my freaking Chemistry teacher is such a fucking waste of space and oxygen, we have an extra Chemistry session on Saturday morning at 9am. No sleep in. No time to catch up the sleep I’m missing. I have 22 school days left and I can hardly keep my eyes open long enough to listen.

I am so tired of everything and everyone.

At least something good that has come of today is I FINISHED MY CHINESE ORAL EXAM! WOO! (The “downside”- if it can really be called a “downside”- is that I wanted a level 7 (approx 23/25)… she said off the bat she thought it was probably a 22/25 overall. I wanted to cry or hit something.)

What else… oh yeah, I went to the dentist. Had an x-ray (exciting stuff)… apparently all my wisdom teeth are about to come out.

So naturally I will have to get them ALL REMOVED. Apparently. Shoot me. This is not good.

When will it happen? Oh, just 2-3 days after I finish my exams! GRRRR! So I finish IB exams on the 17th, celebrate that night and Saturday… the surgery is on Monday. They say I’ll pretty much be bed-ridden for the next 2 or 3 days after that… and my face. Wow. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’ll look like.

It’s so close to post-exams because it’ll (supposedly) give me enough time to rest up before Ladakh.

I have 56 days until my exams start and 3 entire science topics untouched. My revision is…. not even started really.

I want to say I’m going to stay up until I have the damn TOK and Philo plans done… but I really think I’ll collapse tomorrow if I do. You know how- all those months back- my basketball team won SEASAC? Yeah, tomorrow lunchtime we are having a “celebratory lunch with the Head of the entire School”. Bit late, it’s a nice gesture though. My problem? My mother and sister will be there. I am the only IB kid on the entire team and I will look like death.

I don’t even like most of the girls on my basketball team. What the hell am I going to do at this lunch? I guess I survived an entire weekend with them, this won’t hurt too much in comparison.

OMFG EVER SINCE THE DENTIST I AM NOW HYPER-AWARE OF MY WISDOM TEETH AND THE PAIN IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE… or maybe that’s just the lights… or the tiredness… or the desperate urge to cry… or all of it. I am so close to giving up, throwing the desk over and scream “fuck this shit, I’m out”, or just leaving in the middle of a class with a teacher I hate.

I am too un-organised for my own good. I am the reason behind my slow and painful demise. I am putting myself too much at risk. The reward does not seem to justify the struggle I’m putting myself through.

I want the fun stuff at the other end of the exams. I want the clubbing and partying and school trips and graduation and prom and the graduation trip…. I CAN’T AFFORD IT. I have no idea where the freaking money is going to come from (short of taking it from my Greece Funds…. which I can’t bring myself to do, I just couldn’t because that would be well and truly giving up on my dream. I know it won’t happen this year, but I can’t abandon all hope just yet…).

Clubbing will cost about….. ~$20 per night I go out
Ladakh is a lot of money (even with the grant)
Graduation Prom will be at least ~$150 (and I don’t even have a dress or ANYTHING at this point)
Graudation After-Party is… $120 if I remember correctly
Phuket is $545… only for flights and accommodation. No food or general spending is included in that price.

Altogether I’m looking at… what… $855 minimum (excluding Ladakh, Prom dress, any accessories with Prom, if we have to pay for Graduation Gowns/Hats, an After-Prom dress (probably not going to get one, but just in case) and anything I may need as spending money in Phuket) in TWO MONTHS. TWO! T-W-O! That’d would nearly clean out my entire Greece Fund if it came out of my pocket. My parents will help me with the money and all… Graduation should be from them I think, but extras will be my issue.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. I just want my Philosophy folder so I can do my work and go to bed. I hate IB. I hate my life (I’m ungrateful and worthless, I recognise that). I can’t wait to just leave this all behind me as a distant memory. The sad thing is that I know it doesn’t get any easier from here on out.

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Tuesday Thus Far…

Tuesday Thus Far...

So far- I don’t want to jinx this- I haven’t been berated for any late homeworks (yay!). I just completely screwed up my mock religion paper in Philosophy.

I’m in English now, we’re going to start watching “A Streetcar Named Desire” in about 3 seconds… what makes me happier right now (yes, keep in mind that I am a horrible, terrible, bitchy person)? The girl I can’t stand is sitting less than half a foot in front of me (-.-) but she’s not wearing any make-up and I’d like to think she looks worse than I do. Hurhurhur. I’m not fabulously gorgeous, but at least I can get away with not wearing make up 24/7.

Anyway, I’m already feeling guilty for writing that about her (I don’t like her and all, but I would hope that there aren’t people out there writing nasty things about me just because they don’t like me either…)

OH MY JEEZ! I HATE MY ENGLISH TEACHER! He’s talking right now and he’s just said something to make my blood boil. He thinks that it is NOT ONLY okay, but NECESSARY to say that our Text in Translation essays have just been sent to FREAKING LEBANON. WHY? I didn’t need to know that? No-one fucking WANTED to know that? Oh my good god I can’t stand this man! UGHHHHHH!!

What’s worse? I HAVE TO CLIMB A MOUNTAIN WITH HIM! THREE WHOLE WEEKS IN CLOSE PROXIMITY WITH THIS ASSHOLE! I swear to whatever is out there, one of us ain’t coming back from this freaking trip (and I can promise you now, the missing person won’t be ME).

Ugh. He better put the film on right now so I don’t just storm out. It’s really frustrating because he keeps showing up freaking EVERYWHERE! I had Biology this morning- he poked his head in the door. Pretty much every time I have Philosophy- he shows up. I wish I could just be blindly in love with this school like I was this time last year. Grrrrrrr!

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Motivate Me. (Warning: Rant)

Motivate Me.

Went for a walk. Yeah. Voluntarily. An hour and a half. My parents got shitty with me again, so I left for a walk. Tempted to just not come back. One of my really good friends came with me and it was really nice to just chat and walk and be away from home.

I feel like in Year 6 or Year 10 all over again. *Sigh*

Just as we were finishing the last leg of the walk, my parents appeared out of nowhere. Just my luck. Their freaking timing. -.-

So I was “escorted” home (felt like it at least).

Now I’ve just got to shower and revise for my three mocks tomorrow. I’ve completely lost my motivation- not that I had much to begin with. I just cannot be bothered with such trivial things. They twist my stomach and make me feel sick.

The hypocrisy of the parents and teachers. “These mocks don’t matter” “These mocks mean nothing” “Fail harder!” “Oh my god how could you get that wrong!” “You’re not working hard enough!” “Are you trying to fail?” “You aren’t focusing” “Of course we don’t mind what grades you get” “These mocks are just to learn your weaknesses” “I don’t think you’ve done enough work” “You go out too much on the weekend” “Why are you never working” “Your mock grades better match the amount of work you claim to be putting in”

On top of that, I’ve completely put my foot in it. There’s really no use worrying about it, the damage is done and all that’s left now is for me to wait for the fall out to hit. What did I do that I’m so worried about now? I explained the difference between appearance and reality to a 9 year old. She wanted to know why her parents were lying about their family. She wanted to know why it mattered that her grandfather was supposedly a business man, when he was really a bus driver. One of the reflection questions was “What did you learn about your family during this project?”… and she wanted me to write “My daddy is a liar”… she was laughing while she said it. But she asked me why it was that she couldn’t tell the truth about her family. So I told her the truth, more or less. Made her pinky swear not to tell her parents that I told her, asked her to not ask her parents about the whole thing.

I felt uneasy when I told her, I left and now my nerves are eating me alive. It wasn’t my place to tell her, at the same time she wasn’t getting answers from her parents… I wasn’t trying to do anything horrible… I just feel like this could turn out very badly.

The future of my job depends on the pinky swear of a 9 year old girl. I’m so fucked. Sometimes I really wish I could slap myself into sense. She’s a smart girl and I do trust her… but who am I to tell her she can’t ask her parents about certain things?

I’m a terrible person.

I don’t think I’m going to sleep well tonight. Don’t suppose I deserve to… Oh well. *Sigh*

I wish I could give a silver lining but I’m too exhausted to come up with something. These next 4 months cannot pass fast enough. I need to get out, I feel so trapped here. It’s so claustrophobic living in this house. I know I am privileged, I feel grateful and all, but I can’t wait to leave. I need the space. I can’t deal with the politics of school and parents and being perfect.

To the point where I want to try and get drunk. I want to get hammered and show up, passed out, on my doorstep for my parents to find me. That’ll show them that I’m not perfect, that I can’t handle the pressure they’re putting me under.

(N.B. Anyone joining the chronicles of my life at this stage- I don’t drink. Not in a snobby I’m-better-than-you kinda way, but in a I-genuinely-don’t-like-the-taste-of-alcohol kinda way. I haven’t found “my drink” yet… until then I’m a sober rover. So for me to get drunk is huge. I’ve hardly ever even been tipsy! I can only recall being tipsy once- I was at home with the parents playing monopoly (thug life) so yeah. I don’t drink, I hate being out of control, especially being out of control of my own life or body…)

I want to get drunk. Push past the appalling taste of vodka or whatever it takes to just make it happen.

But then again, I’m just feeling sorry for myself. It’s pathetic. Don’t worry, I’ll suck it up and be back to my “bouncy” self again by the time I get to scho… oh wait. It’s mocks. -.-

Then it’s SEASAC.

Four whole days stuck in Thailand with my mother and sister in close quarters. My dad’s coming this year. The fearsome foursome are making an appearance. This is going to be fun.

*Hiccups*

*Sobs*

It’s ok. I’ll be ok. No pity. I am an 18 year old girl and I will be FINE. Just got to survive these next four months until I graduate.

Oh jeeeeeez, I have the Alumni meeting on Thursday morning. *Bottom lip trembles*

JEEZ PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

Ok.

Breathe.

It’s nothing you can’t handle.

Remember that. Always. No matter what happens, it won’t be something you can’t handle. You’ve climbed a mountain for fuck’s sake. You can conquer paper. You have climbed the tallest mountain in SEAsia. You’ve met royalty. These mocks are nothing. You’ve had a solo on the Forbidden City Concert Hall Stage. What’s a bit of paper? You met Karl Jenkins. So what you don’t get 40? You’ll still get into Uni! Yeah, you trekked through a jungle for four days, what’s a few days with the family?

The holidays are coming up. 10 school days until you have a whole week off. Just 10 more days. You can do it. It’s possible. It can be done. Other people have done it. All those other IB graduates have done it. You can do it.

I have to.

Don’t come this far only to give up before the last hurdle.

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