It’s Getting Close

It's Getting Close

Nearly going to be a graduate! High school officially ends in 45 minutes and I’m so scared… I can feel my heart beating a little harder and there’s a trembling in my fingers…

I don’t know if I’m ready to grow up yet. It’s like I’m a baby bird about to be catapulted out of her nest- I’ll either be able to learn to fly or I’ll fall to my death… even if my flying is jilted from bad technique- at least it’s better than smooshing into the ground.

Does that analogy make any sense?

I’m in a weird place right now.

We watched “The Little Mermaid” in Biology (hurhurhur) and our teacher wrote us all personalised poems. In English we watched two TED Talks, which were pretty interesting. In Philosophy my awesome teacher gave us all these Chinese jade keychain things- “Plato’s Pig” I think she called it. I’ll have to check though.

Aside from that I’m trying not to think about exams starting in TWO WEEKS FROM NOW OMFG! This time in two weeks I’ll have finished my first IB exam. Shoot me.

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3 More High School Wake Ups

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So that was a fun morning assembly. Goodness I can’t wait to get out of this damn school. I suppose the silver lining is that that was the very last assembly with my HOY I’ll ever have… except for the graduation assembly we have on Friday that I’ll be leaving early from for rehearsals.

Every damn week he does the countdown.

Today he FINALLY brought up Prom and was like: “oh hey lol there’s a prom email going out tonight lol yeah do the form and get the cheque and bring it in tomorrow or else lol”. I want to throttle him.

Then he went on to talk about Muck Up Day and how it shouldn’t be called “Muck Up” Day and that we’re essentially getting rid of it thanks to last year’s cohort. Which is great. Not. One by one they’re whittling away our “Sixth Form Privileges”.

We have a fire drill during P2 so that should be interesting… today is pretty full on actually…

P1- Normal
P2- Fire drill
Break- Ladakh meeting + See HOY about acapella performance on Friday
P3- Concert rehearsals
P4- Normal (ughhhh it’s English… might try to skip it… but he has DEFINITELY seen me in school so I’ll need to be very careful about how I do this…)
Lunch- Choir rehersals
P5- Normal
P6- Normal (but I have an essay due in that I haven’t done, whoops)
Biology Tuition
Maths Tuition

And then I get to stop and breathe and TRY to get an English essay done for tomorrow. IBFML. No, I am the main reason I’m in this shitty position. I don’t know how to get my act together… I’ll sort it out somehow.

Whatever.

You guys were a bit funny yesterday, the searches that got you here were quite nice!

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All except the marshmallow death one were quite sweet! 😛

Back To School One Last Time

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Oh dear god. I’m here. It’s here. This is finally happening. I’m in the final countdown until my last day of high school EVER.

Last night I watched about 5-6 hours of behind the scenes/ comicon interviews for Supernatural. SO FREAKING GOOD. But now my eyes are sore as hell.

Somehow I changed my background desktop picture too… I have no idea how to turn it back or if I even WANT to turn it back… it’s a still from “A Day in Jared and Jensen’s Life”. (OMG WHY ARE THEY SO GODLIKE AND BEAUTIFUL)… it’s from their make-up trailer bit where Jared’s eating all the candies :3

Here:

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*gurgles*

*collapses*

*convulses*

Excuse me while I scrape my ovaries off the wall…

It’s certainly an improvement on my previous background (my IB exam schedule- which I now know by heart) and I certainly need his gorgeous face to get me through each hellish day. I really make this much harder for myself than it needs to be. If only I would do the freaking work… :/

Last High School Holiday Ever

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I let Chimmercharlie do my make up…

(She needed it for her Theatre coursework- never fear, we’re not THAT weird… most of the time)

I can’t believe it. Tomorrow I go back to school. Ew.

Today was alright. I had my hair cut (HATE HAIRDRESSERS OMG **sees red**), which apparently required 2 people. Ugh. The actually CUTTING of the hair REALLY sucks though… I’ve been growing it for about 6 years now :/

After that I got the MRT to Chimmercharlie’s for lunch. We finished Season 3!!! I just started Season 4 of ‘Supernatural’! OMG SO GOOD! YAY I’VE FINALLY MET CAS!!!!!

As for work/revision- nada. I’m working on that now though. Fingers crossed I’ll get all my Chinese writing papers in… that’s the one I’m most concerned about. Then Philo… then English… in short- I’m screwed (Y)

Oh well, I better get cracking. Bye!!

It’s just weird beyond belief that I’ll never have a school holiday at my school EVER AGAIN! No more half term breaks, no more term breaks, no more summer holidays… *shudder*

Just Played My Last Game… (Warning: Lots of Tags and Long Post)

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So that’s it. I’m done. I’ll never wear these boots again for my school (or ever again if I don’t play at Uni…). I’ll never be in another school championship. I’ll never get another gold medal for basketball. My high-school basketball career is officially over.

My participation in competitive sports at school is officially over.

I decided not to trial for the netball team. I cried, I felt guilty to my stomach and sad deep in my heart, but it’s the sensible decision. The right decision. The mature decision.

*sobs*

I hate knowing that this is it. School really is ending. I can’t wait to leave, but I’m not so sure I’m ready to leave everything I’ve worked so hard to  build up over the last 14 years.

My mum will never coach me again,  I will never play on the same team as my sister ever again. My co-captain will never be my co-captain ever again. They will never make me feel like an outsider or a try-hard ever again. They won’t make me feel inadequate  Except they already have and do… They’re all on the netball team. I should be on the netball team. 66 girls showed up for the trials today. I could have been the 67th.

I spoke with the coaches at lunchtime and they were really upset (which is a lovely compliment that only broke my heart more). I want to be there playing alongside the girls I’ve played netball with for 12 years. I don’t care that I feel short and fat next to them, that they make me feel slow or clumsy. I just want to be there.

But they all do A-Levels and I do IB. They have exams in 4 months… mine are in 2.

I don’t know if I’ve faced loss at this level before. Family members, fellow students, pets, people moving country, sure I’ve dealt with that. But losing a “life-long career” of sport at my school? I’ll never be known as “the coach’s daughter” at my Uni. I’ll never be shouted at by coaches at schools here again. All the friends I’ve made through sports will be left in the dust when I move on to Australia.

What I think I hate most/ am most disappointed by, is myself. I used to be a great player. I kinda suck now. I went from being starting 5, to being 6th man. Sure I’m still on the team… but falling from grace (if you will) is a hard pill to swallow- even if my mother/coach doesn’t seem to think I care. I do care. I’ve always cared.

I started and finished tonight’s game. We won, yay and all that, but we didn’t feel like a team that just won SEASAC together, we didn’t mesh. It didn’t feel like a final, it didn’t feel like anything when I walked off that court as the final buzzer went.

I think that’s what’s most upsetting for me. The game wasn’t spectacular, I wasn’t spectacular, the teamwork wasn’t there, I felt useless. I’ll never be able to redeem myself as a player in my teammate’s eyes. Sure that’s a minor problem that shouldn’t phase me in comparison to all the other things I have on my plate, but I can’t help that it bugs me.

I want to cry about it, just get the damn emotions out, but I can’t seem to be able to turn on my waterworks- mind you they are ever so sensitive at the moment. I cry at everything (and what’s worse is my whole family is using it against me). I just want to have this whole high-school ordeal over with.

It feels so weird to put my boots away knowing I’ll never pick them up again unless I chose to play with mum’s weekend team… which just ended their latest season. Drats. Forgot that. So yeah, looks like that’s it for me basketball-wise.

You know how the other day I said I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself? Well, today I am. I feel so shitty about myself. On top of that my procrastination has led me to have 2 big deadlines tomorrow that I CAN get done tonight… it’ll just be a late night- which means tomorrow will be emotional and tiring.

I can’t handle being nice. I can’t handle my emotions sabotaging my mood. Sometimes I just want to be left the fuck alone, but then a friend walks by and doesn’t stop and I feel bone-achingly lonely at the rejection, but if they say hi, my boiling point goes through the roof- then I feel guilty. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl.

Right now, I’m not stable enough to be at school and too wound up to be at home. I wonder what it’d be like to just skip school in the legit way. Head into school, hide somewhere ’til the drop-off hubbub dies down, then find a way to sneak of campus and ride the MRT all day until it’s pick up time. I know I don’t have the guts to do it. I know my parents don’t have the sympathy to let me off school for the day. I know my sister is too much a bitch to just keep her fat, pouty, bitch mouth shut.

On that note- I have planned my Valentine’s Day. It’ll be my 17th one alone (I had one wonderful Valentine’s back in the 9 months that I had a boyfriend when I was 16ish, he bought me chocolates and roses and everything, we watched ‘Fantasia’ :3). I know I could/ should hang out with my friends, to be honest I probably will end up doing the opposite of what I have planned, but here’s the plan anyway:

I will order chocolates to be delivered to my house on the 14th (or, more likely, I will buy some on the Wednesday). I will sleep in ’til 10am. Do work until 3pm. Get into pyjamas, get a box of tissues, a blanket I love, a pile of chick flicks and tissue boxes, then proceed to lock myself in the study and watch chick flicks until it’s officially Friday and I’ve “survived” that sucks-to-be-single day.

I really have no desire to spend Valentine’s with friends, bitching about boys or couples or whatever. I have no desire to organise anything, I just want to lie by myself, the single soul I am, and cry at my own pathetic need to hold to my “rules” (such as no boyfriends before Uni). I want to cry and laugh and not worry about burping or farting (I’m only human and yes there are a very privileged few that have heard the latter, the former however, is not an irregular occurrence amongst my group. We have burping competitions- I can’t even win those :/).

My current list of “To Watch”s are:

  • He’s Just Not That Into You (fave fave fave fave fave)
  • My Big Fat Greek Wedding (all time fave)
  • My Life in Ruins
  • Chicago
  • Clueless
  • The Proposal
  • Romeo + Juliet (if I’m not already on the brink of throwing myself off the roof by this point- don’t get me started on Titanic- I ain’t touching that shit… btw- by “shit” I mean: movie-that-I-will-probably-cry-myself-to-death-watching-then-resurrect-myself-so-that-I-can-jump-off-the-tallest-building-in-Singapore-before-swallowing-bleach yeah. Those kinda feels.)
  • Moulin Rouge
  • The Tourist (maybe…)
  • Pretty in Pink
  • Fantasia 1
  • Fantasia 2
  • High School Musical (don’t be dissin’)
  • Hairspray
  • Bridesmaids
  • 27 Dresses
  • The Adjustment Bureau
  • Across the Universe
  • Cry Baby
  • A Walk to Remember
  • Juno
  • Knight and Day
  • Never Been Kissed
  • EVERY DISNEY PRINCESS MOVIE EVER
  • 10 Things I Hate About You
  • 13 Going On 30
  • Made of Honour
  • The Leap Year (love love love love love)
  • The Notebook (again, if I want to die…)
  • Grease
  • How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
  • Crazy, Stupid, Love
  • What Happens in Vegas
  • The Killers
  • Stardust
  • John Tucker Must Die
  • The Princess Diaries (all)
  • Life As We Know It
  • The Back Up Plan
  • The Ugly Truth
  • Definately, Maybe
  • The Accidental Husband
  • The Lake House
  • The Breakfast Club
  • Strictly Ballroom
  • The Princess Bride
  • (One Day)
  • (Bright Star)
  • Pride and Prejudice (BBC VERSION- aka: the real version)
  • Ever After
  • Enchanted (some may not count this as Disney Princess…)
  • (Something Borrowed)
  • When in Rome
  • How to Deal (pretty much all the Mandy Moore movies, Licence to Wed!!!!- all except Because I Said So, which was terrible haha)
  • Just Like Heaven
  • TiMER
  • PS- I Love You (if I want to die)
  • (Sixteen Candles)
  • CLOUD ATLAS
  • Peter Pan
  • A Fish Called Wanda
  • (Casanova)
  • Les Mis (grudgingly… only because Aaron Tveit *ovaries explode*)

Not enough hours in the day I know. The list is in no particular order and needless to say all (well most, lets say 98%) made me cry. Brackets around the film indicate that I haven’t actually seen the film yet.

Yeah. A lot of movies. Lots of tears. I’ll probably die of dehydration from crying so much, then they’d have to kick the door down days later to find my body twisted in the throes of heartbreak and perfectly preserved in the freezing aircon. The ceremony will be short and sweet and people will go “look at that plain face, no wonder she didn’t have a boyfriend”. Yeah. What a way to go, huh?

OR

I could keep my shit together and go party it up at the clubs with my friends because one of them is born on Valentines.

*Sigh*

Tough decisions.

To be honest, making that list made me very, very happy. I don’t know why, I was perfectly miserable at the start of this post, but now I’m quite light-hearted. I guess at the end of the day: I’m a simple soul, I don’t need much to impress me or keep me happy. Just books and good company (that knows when to fuck off and when to cuddle me). For once I want to be the little spoon.

I told my friend that today. She said: “I wonder if guys ever feel like that?”

Good point. So I stick it to all you guys out there that have managed to read this far- do you ever want to be the little spoon? Or is it a masculine-protective thing to be the big spoon?

I know because of my height I always, ALWAYS, am the “protective” cuddler if my friends need a hug.

Again- my school friends reading this, my emotions are frigging out of control, please don’t bring this up at school (I’m kind of hoping this goes without saying so that I don’t have to continually put this warning label at the end..) for all I know I could be happy as Larry tomorrow and feeling guilty for posting such negativity… who knows. I sure as hell don’t.

Anyway, off to CAS and Philosophy. Then bed (if there’s any time left…).