3 More High School Wake Ups

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So that was a fun morning assembly. Goodness I can’t wait to get out of this damn school. I suppose the silver lining is that that was the very last assembly with my HOY I’ll ever have… except for the graduation assembly we have on Friday that I’ll be leaving early from for rehearsals.

Every damn week he does the countdown.

Today he FINALLY brought up Prom and was like: “oh hey lol there’s a prom email going out tonight lol yeah do the form and get the cheque and bring it in tomorrow or else lol”. I want to throttle him.

Then he went on to talk about Muck Up Day and how it shouldn’t be called “Muck Up” Day and that we’re essentially getting rid of it thanks to last year’s cohort. Which is great. Not. One by one they’re whittling away our “Sixth Form Privileges”.

We have a fire drill during P2 so that should be interesting… today is pretty full on actually…

P1- Normal
P2- Fire drill
Break- Ladakh meeting + See HOY about acapella performance on Friday
P3- Concert rehearsals
P4- Normal (ughhhh it’s English… might try to skip it… but he has DEFINITELY seen me in school so I’ll need to be very careful about how I do this…)
Lunch- Choir rehersals
P5- Normal
P6- Normal (but I have an essay due in that I haven’t done, whoops)
Biology Tuition
Maths Tuition

And then I get to stop and breathe and TRY to get an English essay done for tomorrow. IBFML. No, I am the main reason I’m in this shitty position. I don’t know how to get my act together… I’ll sort it out somehow.

Whatever.

You guys were a bit funny yesterday, the searches that got you here were quite nice!

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All except the marshmallow death one were quite sweet! 😛

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So Tired… How Much Longer Can I Keep This Up?

Photo on 2013-02-26 at 00.52 #3

I’m exhausted. It’s all my fault, I know that. I take full responsibility for it and all, I know all my friends are really pushing me to do what I need to do…

There’s something like 7 weeks left now until exams. I’m fucking terrified (if you’ll excuse my French)…

Speaking of French… I just watched ‘Les Mis’ (from ‘The Waltz of Treachery’ until very, very nearly the end- my sister’s laptop ran out of battery just before “Confessions” could properly start) again, this time with my mum and sister- singing all the words and bawling my heart out.

I’m debating whether or not to tell this little story to you all… it’s about my current near-dying experience. As I speak, I have no clue if I’ll make it to school tomorrow………. I’ll stink come morning and it’ll be because I’m either dead or stinked out by what has just occurred…

You’ll all judge me for this I’m sure. It’s like the time I was making rocky road brownies (YONKS AGO- at least 2 years ago….) and I had put the marshmallows on top a little late and so they weren’t melting right… I had the genius idea, rather than put the brownies back in the oven and risk over-cooking them, I’ll apply heat from above! I’ll put some tin foil in the microwave because then the metal will heat up, which I’ll then place on top of the brownies so the marshmallows melt! Genius! Right? I know!

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I nearly exploded the microwave. There was green lightning and all that shit happening up in that thing. I was soooooo scared! I’m such an idiot for completely forgetting such a simple concept… Anyway, I worked up the courage to grab a pair of rubber tongs and jab the microwave open and pull the still cold foil out of the damn thing. I was convinced I’d broken the back light… (thankfully it survived, but goodness that was so tense!)

Yeah. I’m not the greatest with my ideas.

Well… on Friday I brought a thermos of Milo to school (because I’d just pulled my second all-nighter of the week)… About two cups in I decided it was a bit gross tasting for some reason, so I put it in my school locker (which is- thankfully- indoors and away from windows) to take home with me that night… only I forgot to take it home. I forgot about it all weekend.

Yesterday I saw the thermos and was like- eh, I’ll grab it tomorrow.

It’s “tomorrow”…

I took it home today and left it in my bag until about half an hour ago. Thought it might be a good idea to rinse it out before I put it in the sink tomorrow morning after breakfast.

Sweet. Holy. Jaysus.

I really am worried about the toxic concentrations in my room right now… First I pulled the “cup” part of the thermos off and was affronted by this icky smell, I thought nothing more of it. Then I loosened the lid a little and BANG (the noise was like a gunshot), the lid shot off the thermos and the scariest looking white fumes erupted from the deep hell within this damn thermos. I gagged. It was like someone had been in my bathroom for a week with terrible diarrhoea and vomiting. The smell was putrid, rancid, imagine the worst thing ever and multiply it. The smell was… IS… vile!!!

So these white fumes dissipate as I tip out the grossness that once was Milo… the milk is discoloured and there are all these really soft solid clumps… imagine something like goat’s cheese, coming out with the liquid. The smell… I just can’t get over the fucking smell… it’s so terrible. It’s like Satan farted in my bathroom. I washed all the solid bits down the sink, my bathroom is now a no-go-zone.

Need I mention how terrified I am of the fumes? Have you ever tried googling milk? Do any of you know that MILK DOESN’T HAVE A FREAKING FORMULA EQUATION! Being a Chem/Bio student I thought I’d be able to diagnose the problem myself! You know, check the chemicals that might form, an explanation for the horrid smell and if I’m in danger of accidentally killing myself. It’s impossible. There is no formula for milk and the only information out there is near impossible to decipher… all I know is that there are fats and lipids and proteins etc… that doesn’t help WHATSOEVER!

I washed out the thermos with my nice smelling soap… at least the thermos doesn’t stink…

I’m getting paranoid that there’s a milk version of carbon monoxide and that I’ll go to sleep and just not wake up as a result of the fucking fumes. I don’t know how everyone ignored the sound of the ‘pop’, it was quite loud!

Ugh! So yeah… tomorrow and the next day and so on… if I don’t blog… you’ll know I’ll have died.

Let my death be in the name of science! If my time comes then at least people will become aware of the horrors of 5 day old milk in a thermos…

There are absolutely NO GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS that relate even vaguely to my current dilemma. I can’t honestly be the only person in the world that this has happened to? Surely science would have investigated the potential fumes that can be created by milk? SURELY??

So yeah, that’s all my news. Please don’t judge me too harshly. I am an idiot after all. This probably ranks as one of my all time stupidest moments EVER.

I really hope I don’t die in my sleep… but if I do then an upshot would be that I don’t have to hand in my IAs or TOK redraft! 😀
(^Yay for silver linings!)

Girl On A Mission

Girl On A Mission

So after the debacle of last night I’ve convinced my mum to let me stay home and work all day. If you can’t read the “To Do” list there on the right then let me tell you what it says:

– TOK
– English P2 Mock
– Chem (Colour IA)
– Chinese Oral Prep
– Maths Worksheets
– Philo Essay Plans
– Bio Past Paper
– World Lit Finalising
– Revision Notes

The other 3 are just extras (renew library books, blog, wattpad), stuff to do should I finish everything and I’m sure you’d agree (after seeing the first list) that that isn’t likely today, haha.

My top priority is TOK, then I’ll focus on World Lit, then Chem. Once those 3 are cleared then I’ll start figuring out about the rest of them because those 3 are the ones due tomorrow (well Chem is *kinda* due, but it’s final deadline in Monday). IF there is any time after those three, my next priority is the freaking English P2 mock that I’ve avoided for the past week… 😛

Apparently there’s another IB convention at our school tomorrow (AGAIN! UGH!)… the only upshot is that my English teacher will probably be there (and therefore not in class), same with my TOK teacher so I can do finishing touches on the essay if necessary. Who else… yeah I think that’s it, which would mean I only have… 2 classes with teachers tomorrow? Ish? Yay!

AND!

Perhaps most importantly… WATTPAD WILL BE UNBLOCKED! Not only on Friday, but most likely for the entire weekend too! 😀

Mind you, I really need to get a wriggle on with my revision notes so I’ll try my best to stay away from the temptations this weekend. There’s 2 months or so left, the harder I work now, the sweeter the freedom of post-IB will be. I have to dissociate the stress from my work and keep my head above water.

This week alone I have handed in:
– My Philosophy IA (I GOT 27/30!!!! LEVEL 7!!! That all-nighter was so damn worth it!!)
– My final CAS Reflection
– My World Lit essay (final edits in by tomorrow so that anything desperate can be changed by Wednesday before they’re all sent off on Thursday next week)

Wow… okay… that’s a smaller list than I’d anticipated. I’d expected to have… whatever… it feels like a lot more than just that. As far as IB goes, that’s a huge amount of coursework GONE! Philosophy is officially finished now, English will be the second I hand in my final final draft, CAS is officially finished… yeah. Ok, it feels like a lot more than just that but whatever. I have survived 3 major deadlines AND a Parent-Teacher Evening. That’s impressive.

Now just to finish the rest of it. Once this TOK essay is in, that’s it, I’m done with TOK and then get 2 extra free periods a week! 😀

My Mondays and Fridays will be so sweet! 😀

Now to focus on the big stuff. Exams. The sooner I hand in all this coursework, the sooner I can revise, the sooner I revise, the sooner I can start believing I stand a chance at getting 6’s and 7’s in my exams.

AND SO! Filled with determination, our protagonist sets off into the sunset of her IB deadlines, fighting the foes of IB monsters and leaving level 7’s in her wake. Fight on, weary child, fight on.

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Night Before SEASAC

Night Before SEASAC

Nerves have vanished… Not a good sign.

This is it. My last ever school sports trip. The last time I represent my school outside of Singapore. It’s all ending so fast I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel a bit like Katniss, I’ve primped and shaved and done all the necessary clean ups before a big competition. I’m unfit as hell, so I’m actually more unprepared than she was, whatever.

What else happens tomorrow? Oh yeah, only my ALUMNI GRANT MEETING! D:

So now I have to go memorize a 60 slide powerpoint on this trip…

Originally I’d planned to go around my classes and get as many mock results back as I could in my free first thing tomorrow… now I think I’ll just spend an hour in the library freaking out, trying harder to memorise stuff than I had for my mocks…

Thank god the whole “Mocks” ordeal is over though! Such a relief to be clear of those woods. I know I did really badly, but I honestly don’t care right now (read: I’ll probably have a melt down later…………… who knows… I don’t… life… IB… what even -.-)

So yeah, my bags are packed and by the door. I just have to remember to bring Fluke (my penguin- he comes everywhere with me. I’m an 18 year old kid, judge away, at least I have a bedmate :P)

As I said whenever ago, I’m not sure about internet in the hotel we’ll be at… with any luck there WILL be internet… There’s so little that I know. Ugh. Hate not being in control (I know I could take control if I actually tried a little harder. But. Effort. No.)

I’m thinking about bringing a movie to watch in the hotel room with my co-captain. Dunno though, my laptop is really crappy when it comes to movies. It hates everything, haha. I think the only movies it plays are “A Fish Called Wanda” and “Pirates of Penzance”… the denominator in both being the excellent, the wonderful, the amazing Kevin Kline! 😀

As much as I LOVE those movies… I don’t think my room mate has the same tastes… she’s more your “Gossip Girl” type. *Sigh*

I’ve known this girl for years and she really is one of the sweetest and funniest girls you’ll meet… but she doesn’t read. I used to be really in with that friendship group… but then I started to distance myself from them and began to hang out more with the kids that played D’n’D on a Friday Night for fun, rather than Friday Night Sushi Nights.

I don’t really fit in on the team. I’m the oldest there, my co-captain/ roommate is in my year, true, but we’ve got more different than similar in interests. Sure you can see the silver lining and just talk about the similar interests… but it’s an easily exhausted set of topics. Then what?

She doesn’t like reading. She doesn’t like philosophy. She doesn’t like k-pop. I don’t know. She’s sounding quite 2-dimensional here, I promise she’s not. It’s just that her interests are very different (that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn’t really help on the bonding side of things).

We’ll make it work, it’s what our school teaches us best. To be political. To make nice. But I can’t help but feel like an outsider during training or on trips. The whole team is like my roommate, in fact, they’re all younger versions of her (more or less).

The team consists of us two captains, then our younger sisters and all their mates, then the younger sister of her boyfriend. Yeah. I know I’m only as involved as I allow myself to be, but I genuinely find it mind-numbing to sit with them sometimes. They, the younger ones, have such wild misconceptions about my interests. They’re more interested in laughing AT me than WITH me. I’m like an animal at the zoo that they like to pay attention to every so often, but only to poke fun at it.

I’m not into fashion, or drinking, or that god-awful show “Vampire Diaries”. Whenever I try to join in the conversation I just come across as trying too hard or being condescending. There is no middle ground. I’m either watching them on the periphery, pretending I get along with them, or being ignored. I’m not very good at tolerating idiots, or at least, idiotic ideas.

I really hope they don’t see this blog. I don’t think they ever will, but for the sake of saying it, I really hope they don’t.

The next 4 days will be interesting. Can’t wait to play, at the same time I’m scared shitless because it’s my *last* SEASAC, my *last* school sports trip, my *last* basketball competition…. (well not really, the school league hasn’t finished yet, but we’ve won all those games and have one to go when we get back before the semi’s and the finals.)

Anyway. I better start reading up on this powerpoint and making notes of points to bring up. I have so much work to do over the trip… I have to FINISH my CAS, my EngLit freaking “Perfume” essay (still… *grit teeth*), and my Philosophy IA. They need to be in by next Friday. I think I promised my English teacher that I’d have the “Perfume” essay in by Monday……………..

I should probably pick out a nice burial site for my poor body when this is all done. I just don’t think I’ll cope. “Cloud Atlas” better still be in the freaking cinemas next week, it’s pretty much all that’s keeping me going. Either Thursday or Friday next week I’m going to see it again, for the third time, fuck yeah. Can’t wait, but I’m worried it’ll be taken out of cinemas on Wednesday… they do the movie schedule change overs on Thursday.

We’ll see. But first. Ladakh. Alumni Grant. Revise. Gah.

PS- Oh sweet jaysus, I’m missing another Sports Council Meeting. Ugh. I’m supposed to be the responsible one in charge. We’re a week off half-term and we’ve not yet had a SINGLE COUNCIL MEETING since we go back! I have to do that damn assembly on the Council in February! Ugh! Ugh! UGH!

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Motivate Me. (Warning: Rant)

Motivate Me.

Went for a walk. Yeah. Voluntarily. An hour and a half. My parents got shitty with me again, so I left for a walk. Tempted to just not come back. One of my really good friends came with me and it was really nice to just chat and walk and be away from home.

I feel like in Year 6 or Year 10 all over again. *Sigh*

Just as we were finishing the last leg of the walk, my parents appeared out of nowhere. Just my luck. Their freaking timing. -.-

So I was “escorted” home (felt like it at least).

Now I’ve just got to shower and revise for my three mocks tomorrow. I’ve completely lost my motivation- not that I had much to begin with. I just cannot be bothered with such trivial things. They twist my stomach and make me feel sick.

The hypocrisy of the parents and teachers. “These mocks don’t matter” “These mocks mean nothing” “Fail harder!” “Oh my god how could you get that wrong!” “You’re not working hard enough!” “Are you trying to fail?” “You aren’t focusing” “Of course we don’t mind what grades you get” “These mocks are just to learn your weaknesses” “I don’t think you’ve done enough work” “You go out too much on the weekend” “Why are you never working” “Your mock grades better match the amount of work you claim to be putting in”

On top of that, I’ve completely put my foot in it. There’s really no use worrying about it, the damage is done and all that’s left now is for me to wait for the fall out to hit. What did I do that I’m so worried about now? I explained the difference between appearance and reality to a 9 year old. She wanted to know why her parents were lying about their family. She wanted to know why it mattered that her grandfather was supposedly a business man, when he was really a bus driver. One of the reflection questions was “What did you learn about your family during this project?”… and she wanted me to write “My daddy is a liar”… she was laughing while she said it. But she asked me why it was that she couldn’t tell the truth about her family. So I told her the truth, more or less. Made her pinky swear not to tell her parents that I told her, asked her to not ask her parents about the whole thing.

I felt uneasy when I told her, I left and now my nerves are eating me alive. It wasn’t my place to tell her, at the same time she wasn’t getting answers from her parents… I wasn’t trying to do anything horrible… I just feel like this could turn out very badly.

The future of my job depends on the pinky swear of a 9 year old girl. I’m so fucked. Sometimes I really wish I could slap myself into sense. She’s a smart girl and I do trust her… but who am I to tell her she can’t ask her parents about certain things?

I’m a terrible person.

I don’t think I’m going to sleep well tonight. Don’t suppose I deserve to… Oh well. *Sigh*

I wish I could give a silver lining but I’m too exhausted to come up with something. These next 4 months cannot pass fast enough. I need to get out, I feel so trapped here. It’s so claustrophobic living in this house. I know I am privileged, I feel grateful and all, but I can’t wait to leave. I need the space. I can’t deal with the politics of school and parents and being perfect.

To the point where I want to try and get drunk. I want to get hammered and show up, passed out, on my doorstep for my parents to find me. That’ll show them that I’m not perfect, that I can’t handle the pressure they’re putting me under.

(N.B. Anyone joining the chronicles of my life at this stage- I don’t drink. Not in a snobby I’m-better-than-you kinda way, but in a I-genuinely-don’t-like-the-taste-of-alcohol kinda way. I haven’t found “my drink” yet… until then I’m a sober rover. So for me to get drunk is huge. I’ve hardly ever even been tipsy! I can only recall being tipsy once- I was at home with the parents playing monopoly (thug life) so yeah. I don’t drink, I hate being out of control, especially being out of control of my own life or body…)

I want to get drunk. Push past the appalling taste of vodka or whatever it takes to just make it happen.

But then again, I’m just feeling sorry for myself. It’s pathetic. Don’t worry, I’ll suck it up and be back to my “bouncy” self again by the time I get to scho… oh wait. It’s mocks. -.-

Then it’s SEASAC.

Four whole days stuck in Thailand with my mother and sister in close quarters. My dad’s coming this year. The fearsome foursome are making an appearance. This is going to be fun.

*Hiccups*

*Sobs*

It’s ok. I’ll be ok. No pity. I am an 18 year old girl and I will be FINE. Just got to survive these next four months until I graduate.

Oh jeeeeeez, I have the Alumni meeting on Thursday morning. *Bottom lip trembles*

JEEZ PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

Ok.

Breathe.

It’s nothing you can’t handle.

Remember that. Always. No matter what happens, it won’t be something you can’t handle. You’ve climbed a mountain for fuck’s sake. You can conquer paper. You have climbed the tallest mountain in SEAsia. You’ve met royalty. These mocks are nothing. You’ve had a solo on the Forbidden City Concert Hall Stage. What’s a bit of paper? You met Karl Jenkins. So what you don’t get 40? You’ll still get into Uni! Yeah, you trekked through a jungle for four days, what’s a few days with the family?

The holidays are coming up. 10 school days until you have a whole week off. Just 10 more days. You can do it. It’s possible. It can be done. Other people have done it. All those other IB graduates have done it. You can do it.

I have to.

Don’t come this far only to give up before the last hurdle.

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How the Days do Drag

How the Days do Drag

It’s midday on Saturday and I think I’ve lost the will to go on. What will IB actually even achieve? So many of my hardworking friends are failing to get into to Cambridge and Oxford despite being the calibre (if not better) than they want. It’s heartbreaking.

Seeing their pain and rejection just makes me remember how shitty it was when *I* didn’t get Head Girl… maybe it’s over dramatic, but I swear we’re all feeling the same level of rejection and hurt. Life sucks and then you die and I don’t see the point in trying to be the best when most of the time you have to end up settling with second or close enough.

I’m not saying I’m going to give up. I’m just saying that maybe I need to start learning how to be more flexible. I mean, I’ve always tried to see the silver lining, the bright side of life, but it’s just so exhausting to be so positive sometimes.

I can’t wait to leave. I think this school has scarred me forever… not in a “I’m traumatised” way… but in a “my view of the world is so fucked up” kinda way.

Expat living. Stuck up British Schools. IB. Why?

I guess I’m just tired or hormonal or whatever. I’ll get over it though, I always do.

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Greece in Jeopardy…

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Doing mock papers in my Biology class. It’s really fun and relaxing. (Past papers, fun? Who knew?)

It really says something about the society we live in (or at least it makes a statement about me) that I went to bed (just) BEFORE 11pm LAST NIGHT simply because I had let someone borrow my charger and my laptop was just about to die. So I went to bed. Because my laptop was going to die.

I could have done paper revision. I could have read a book. But no, I went to bed and slept early because I didn’t want to work without my laptop there for comfort. Eeeesh.

Anyway. Back to the papers. Today should be just as good as yesterday methinks 🙂

Minus the annoying assembly this morning for the Ladakh trip. Which I desperately want to go on now that they’ve reduced the price from ~$4,500 to ~$3,300 (which then the further reducible again if you apply for an Alumni Grant… which I was considering applying to for my Greece trip. If I got the Grant, I could potentially be going to Ladakh for ~$1,500-$2,000)

With all this “Golden Dawn” crap flying around the news is genuinely scaring me. This could ultimately destroy my chances of going. Riots and strikes can be avoided, I read somewhere that the locals generally know when and where the riots/strikes are going to be held so you can avoid it… But a political party? A xenophobic, neo-nazi, fascist political party that is going around killing foreigners and beating up other MPs…That changes the game a little.

I will keep working towards Greece. Who knows? With any luck Greece might be able to clean up the mess come July… But if they don’t?

Here’s the dilemma, now that Ladakh- a three week, hiking-the-Himalayas, working-in-orphanages, doing-homestays, working-with-trained-medical-professionals-to-change-someone’s-life-forever, school trip- is suddenly so affordable, and Greece is thrown into question… I have to choose.

Do I keep working towards Greece? Earning money and all that and therefore decline the India offer (I’ve never been to India…)? OR do I give up the Greece dream and apply for India, do the three weeks and have the “experience of a lifetime”… but the compromise would be spending those three weeks with Mr. Asshole.

I can’t do both. If I go to Ladakh I’d have to give up my three-week nannying job… therefore (potentially) nearly $3,000. If I go to Ladakh I pretty much seal my fate on not going to Greece.

BUT, if I say no to India and keep working towards Greece… what happens if Greece doesn’t happen? What happens if it gets worse and my trip to Greece becomes totally untenable?

That’s the scary thing. Missing out. Making the wrong choice.

Silver lining I suppose, if I decline India and can’t go to Greece would be that I’d have a ton of money to throw about. Free cash, one could say…

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