I’m Running Out of Titles About School!!

So hey guys! 🙂

Once more I’m back at school. I come here for at least 6 hours a day, 7 days a week… HOW FREAKING SAD IS THAT!?!! Weekends and schooldays are no different- only on weekends I’m not skiving class. I’m like the ultimate rebel nerd. I like it. 😛

So when I came in to the usual classroom just now I found this:

Which is, of course, an illustration of all the main characters in the two fandoms that my girlies want me to join (I’ve already joined the ‘Supernatural’ fandom (on the left), they’ve yet to convince me to watch ‘Merlin’ (on the right), but that’s mainly because I don’t want to fail IB. I’m already worried about my growing addiction to Sam’s… I mean Jared’s beautiful freaking voice I swear to god he’s an angel in disguise he’s so gorgeous and my baby and oh my god and **OVARIES EXPLODE**

*cough cough*

Heh… hehe… sorry bout that. I just get… a little over emotional about such a stunning specimen of man meat. *Sigh* WHY CAN’T ALL MEN BE SAM FUCKING WINCHESTER! I NEED HIM! o.O

…..Ok, I think I’ll stop now.

MY GOALS!

By lunchtime, 12pm (it’s now 10:30) I will have my two Chemistry IAs finished and sent to my godawful teacher (grr). One was due in yesterday- hence the “I hate Chem” post, I really was desperately trying to get that first one in on time (it’s only a first draft), but I couldn’t. Then I showed up for class and she completely, blatantly ignored me. She’s so childish! I’ve hated her since day 1 so it’s no surprise that she’s such a little bitch, but when she ignores me and gives the ONE OTHER KID IN MY CLASS DOING SL WITH ME extra advice about the IA, you can’t expect me to attempt to give her respect right? She lost my respect ages ago… anyway. I’ll hand them both in today and say the other one is late because I wanted to give them both in together. She can suck eggs. I know she won’t have them marked by Monday anyway.

Ciao for now! 🙂

Ugh, It’s Still Only Monday (Warning: Long)

Does it really have to only be the start of a new week? Can’t it be Friday already? Don’t champions deserve a weekend off? Apparently not.

We just won another basketball game tonight. Have training tomorrow (and tuition, ugh, how do I tell my tutor that I really failed the Maths mocks… doing pretty damn well in everything else though- I’m so genuinely shocked, it’s cray).

Anyway, we have school league basketball finals on Wednesday night. We should win. Sounds a little arrogant maybe, but honestly no gold is as shiny as the SEASAC gold.

I’ve still got to properly unpack all my stuff. Meh.

I’ve still got to do so much work. I actually am in a semi-productive mood right now so I’ll go back and tag my last two posts, then I’ll do my CAS reflections. If I have anymore fucks to give after that I might consider starting my Philosophy IA edits before finally unpacking completely, starting my World Lit essay and possibly even writing up my plan for a new story I want to start writing in a few months!

Who knows?!

I’ll probably end up only tagging this blog though. Then give up and go to bed. I don’t feel like anything.

Yes, I feel productive, but I’m tired. I slept in today, but this is a near-bone-deep weariness. IB pressure is picking up. I know I should expect it, but I’m just too tired to fight for survival. Not to mention how achingly lonely I seem to be feeling lately.

I have lots of friends, but it’s like we’re all ships or islands or something. We’re all drifting in our own problems. I know they’ve got my back, they know I’ve got theirs. We’re all going through the shitty mood swings and work loads. They have problems I can’t solve and vice versa.

I don’t even know anymore. I don’t feel like giving up, I’m not at that low a point. It’s a weird middle ground, I want to throw my desk backwards away from me and say “fuck it, fuck it all” and do something like sleep for an entire day; but at the same time I don’t have the physical/mental/emotional strength to do more than rest my head on the desk.

I’m looking forwards to the half-term holiday. We have a week off after this week for Chinese New Year and for half term. Then the ball *really* gets rolling and we shift up a gear in school work.

These 3 months cannot just end fast enough. Seriously. I feel like I’m just trudging through when I know I should be head down and focused.

My eye sight is getting pretty crappy. I don’t know if it’s lack of sleep or just genuine deterioration of my eyes. *Shrugs*

I can’t decide if I want to sign up for the Netball season or not. It’s only a month or so long. I *could* do it, if I wanted to. Part of me desperately wants to sign up for it. I’ve played netball nearly my entire life and at least 3 years longer than I’ve played basketball… at the same time I know that I promised myself and a few of my teachers that after SEASAC I won’t be doing anymore activities…

But, I need to keep fit. I need to do exercise. Argh. Balancing my life and making “tough” decisions. I don’t want to grow up.

Why can’t I just be 8 years old again? When my biggest problem was memorising the lyrics to “1, 2, Step” for the talent show at the end of a school trip. Or boys- by boys I mean that one guy in my class that I had a massive crush on. Back when getting my fountain pen licence was equivalent to be being a badass.

Nope, I’m 18 and stressing over whether I’ll do a single or double degree at Uni. Trying my best to ignore my hormones and convince myself that staying single until Uni is a good idea.

My parents always hold my older sister up as a map of things that I should avoid. Getting involved with guys in the last year of school has always been a huge no-no. BUT, naturally, it has to be in the last year of school that guys (well, not plural…) start to notice you. *Sigh*

Prom dress shopping isn’t going well either. Everyone seems to know more-or-less what they’re getting. Me? I have a back up dress, but I really want to get one made… at the same time I can’t find anything that really grabs me.

I shouldn’t even be thinking about Uni, or boys, or prom. I should be worrying about the fact I did so badly on the Maths mock, or figuring out how to improve all my level 5s to level 6 or 7s.

I hate being “grown up”. Being 18 is still a novelty at times, but most of the time it just sucks a bit. I’m 18 and hardly getting any of the perks. I don’t club or drink, I hardly go to the movies (some of you may disagree :P), I don’t act like I’m 18 at all.

There are times when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and ignore the rest of the world (real Grenouille style), other times when I want to scream at the top of my lungs because all this stress is just so POINTLESS.

Lets be honest. These next 3 months are going to be hell, then it’ll all be over and I’ll go to Ladakh (I got the grant! YAY!) and then I’ll graduate and go to Phuket with my graduating class. After that I’ll be a free roaming adult about to go to Uni for some degree or another.

Until then I’m a 18-year-old-kid, trapped in my school and home, riddled with hormones that make me over-emotional and easily pissed off. I want to go taste life, I want to make out with a guy for the first time in my life. I want to be able to go clubbing without worrying a little about other school mates seeing me out and judging me (and jeez if I had any doubts that they don’t judge, then this past weekend CERTAINLY cleaned that up. Answer: they do. Constantly.)

So yeah. I want to leave. But I know all my problems here will catch up with me there. Sure they’ll disappear for a while, but sooner or later, all my insecurities will come back. Boy problems will come back. School work issues will return. I’ll meet people that I can’t stand but also can’t avoid. I’ll have to deal with stress and pressure. In the place of IB will be a degree… or masters… or a job… or (hopefully) a PhD…

I have no idea where I’ll be in 20 years. Heck, I don’t even know where I’ll be in LESS THAN A YEAR. Australia, sure. But where in Australia? I honestly can’t say. I have no clue. I don’t know my Uni preferences. I don’t know my degree choice (beyond the fact that I want to do Ancient History and Archaeology- which might not even be possible).

I want to go to Greece so so so bad. It just doesn’t look like it’s going to happen and it breaks my heart. Apparently a single traveller, female, just got murdered in Cyprus or something and there are 6 or 12 guys that have been arrested for it. SIX OR TWELVE! FOR ONE PERSON!

I don’t want to give up hope or anything, but in my tired state it just seems so tempting. School work really isn’t worth it, there’s no reward, only more work. If it’s not work, it’s mocks, if it’s not mocks, it’s exams. It’s never ending, but ending far too quickly.

3 more months. Then I’m free. Then my life begins. I feel like Rapunzel in ‘Tangled’, haha.

Again, I know a lot of my school friends will see this- please don’t bring it up at school, I say a lot of stuff online here that I just don’t want to have to face/deal with when I get to school.

I just feel lonely- not the in friendship sense, I have tons of friends and they’re great and I am so grateful to them. But I’m lonely in the more (I want to say existential… maybe on some level I mean that… but lets be honest I’m just not that deep, haha) I want a guy that gets me and will just do lame stuff like cuddle me. I don’t know. It feels weird to write it out like this, but I do mean it. I want to know what it’s like to have a guy who’s shoulder I can rest my head on while we study. Ugh. I don’t feel sorry for myself (as I have in the past) because I know that if I really wanted, I could do something about it. I could. But I don’t want to be with a guy, only to break up in 3 months time. I’ll feel like I’m using him.

And as ever, my older sister’s mistakes guide my every decision. I will not date in my last year of school. I will not let boys mess up my head right before my exams. Exams matter, boys come second.

If I fuck up my exams, it’s tant amount to fucking up my life. If I fuck up a relationship, it’ll hurt for a while, sure, but I can always find someone else. As humans, we invariably do. We find people that we can cling to as we age. Someone that’ll make us feel beautiful even when we wake up looking shit.

That’ll happen for me someday. I know it will. I have to keep believing that. But “someday” isn’t today or tomorrow. I need to save breaking my heart a hundred times for later. Mental health before soothing my heartache.

I wish there was a way to suppress these feelings. I’m so envious of people that have someone else. There are a few couples at school that I just look at and feel simultaneously angry, lonely and mushy.

Instead I procrastinate on my schoolwork. I play average in my basketball games. I sing average at choir. I move through my school days like a robot with a single goal. To do well in my exams so that I can leave.

I swear to whatever is out there that if I get lower than a 38 on my IB exams then I will regret every single time I’ve turned down clubbing, every single time I’ve chickened out of hooking up with a guy (not many times purely because there aren’t that many guys interested but still). If I don’t get a minimum of 38… I will regret not being a teenager. 38+ points will justify my sacrifices.

I just want to read. I want to escape into a different world, pretend I’m the protagonist in a heart-breakingly good novel, imagine that I’m the one that has to lead a rebellion. Just think, even for a moment, that I’m more than just a kid stuck in a claustrophobic environment that won’t really amount to much more than anyone else.

As Palahniuk so accurately puts it:
“I see the strongest and smartest men who have ever lived and these men are pumping gas and waiting tables”

Probably not the brightest outlook on life but hey, could be worse.

I’m going to see how much bullshit I can cram into my CAS reflections before the words all start blurring together.

Night all.

PS- Well that turned out longer than I’d expected o.O

100% Done With This School (Warning: I Rant)

Ok, so the assembly wasn’t terrible. I mean the talker guy was quite funny, his speaking style is a cross between Jimeoin (accent and delivery of jokes) and Eddie Izzard (the actual jokes). All in all, I liked him. However. Who the hell wants to sit through a freaking lecture on finances first thing on a Friday morning when you’re in a bad place already?

I sure as hell didn’t. When I said I got busted in that last post, that was real time, I had honestly just written all of that when Fuckwit… I mean my Chemistry teacher decided to walk in and herd us all to the assembly. I could kill her I am so angry. I’m livid. I want to cut “mudblood” into her arm while screaming at her about how much she fucking sucks as a Chemistry teacher and as a mother to her own child- she’s so nasty to her kid.

Now I’ve had to sign in and I have no clue if I even have English today seeing as my teacher is in a conference. Normally, for any other freaking teacher, that would mean no lesson. Not our good ol’ Mr. Asshole. He probably has a cover teacher lurking somewhere.

I just want to scream. It is so frustrating. I can’t do anything right. Not even skive ONE FREAKING CLASS. I can’t get my 40, I cry at fucking everything. EVERY. THING.

That’s why mum and I got into a fight yesterday. I nearly cried and she embarrassed me by pointing it out as I tried to keep my shit together, which only made it harder. So when we left I snapped at her (did NOT yell as she claims I did, bitch) and said she didn’t have to say anything about me tearing up.

Thus started our current stalemate.

I know her opinions on my hair and frankly I don’t care. I mean, I do. She’s paying for it afterall but we went to the hairdresser yesterday to get an opinion on going back to my natural colour. I’m very aware that she wants me to cut my hair off, or at least 3 inches… (multiply that by 2 and a half and that’s how much the hairdresser will take off, guaranteed).

I don’t want to get my hair cut. I’ve been growing it long for 8 years. I chopped it all off once when I was 11 years old. It’s taken since then for it to have grown this long- by “this long” I mean around halfway down my back.

It’s my fucking hair. Let’s see who put me in this position where I dye my hair in the first place, oh yeah, wait, that would be MY MOTHER.

I never wanted to colour my hair. Never ever ever. I really can’t stand hairdressers. I can’t stand having my hair touched. Seriously, it’s a big issue for me. Anything with my hair is a big issue for me.

It all started when my sister wanted to dye her hair. She’s always been a step ahead of me: she wanted her ears pierced, I didn’t; she wanted to dye her hair, I didn’t; she wanted to get a pedicure, I didn’t.

All but the ear piercings have turned out disastrous for me. The first time I ever, ever got a pedicure I wound up with infected and ingrown toenails. Lovely, isnt’ it? It was chronic for about 4 years or so before mum finally got a doctor to do surgery on my toes. I wound up getting part of one of my nails completely cut off and acid poured down it to ensure that it would never grow back. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the charming life I lead.

The hair dye? As I said, I never wanted my hair done, I knew it was more trouble than it was worth. But mum begged, she insisted, she pleaded and after months and months and months I finally let her play Barbie with my hair. She did a home job highlight set on my hair and it just got worse from there. After a few months the highlights got so bad that I looked like I had tiger stripes in my hair and we went to get it done professionally. Which was the start of my problems.

I get my hair done professionally. I fucking HATE getting my hair done. I HATE IT. SO MUCH. WITH A BLINDING PASSION. Most hairdressers are sadists in my opinion. The first time I had my hair “fixed”, I sat in a chair for nearly 9 hours while about 5 different people danced around my room, brushing, tugging, dying, pulling, washing, blow drying and styling my hair.

It was torture to sit there for 9 hours, my butt died. I honestly couldn’t feel it when I sat down for the rest of the day. It felt so weird. Anyway, put yourself in my shoes, I can’t stand people touching my hair and here I have 5 whole people fussing over it. Taking teeny tiny strands and pulling at it and fiddling with it, then brushing whatever crap they’ve done to it, then putting it back, only to pick up the next  tiniest section of hair they can manage to hold. FOR 9 HOURS.

So yeah. I hate hairdressers. I’ve been getting my hair done for years. I hate it, but I liked being this blonde. I am naturally blonde…. just dirty/ashy blonde, not yellow.

I finally decide to get my hair back to natural and that’s huge for me. Only for mum to start pressuring the hairdresser into admitting I needed the haircut too. I GET IT! I had “terrible” ends as a result of the dipdying, I get it. But CHRIST I’m already over emotional for no rational reason at the moment, the second they started saying I needed so much hair chopped off and was no longer about only dying my hair, it started to get to me. It was too much. I was only prepared to talk about changing my hair colour.

I didn’t want to consider cutting it off too. I know I’ll have to. But it’s frustrating because they’re both fretting over “if I don’t like the new colour then I can never go back to this blonde until all this hair grows out” and I’m sat there like “I don’t fucking care! That’s the point! I want it to grow out, I don’t want to dye it anymore! Why don’t you understand?!”.

So mum and I started fighting when we left the hairdresser, got home and both presented our sides of the story to dad and then sort of got stuck in this stalemate because she won’t get her way.

It makes me want to hit something, or someone, because she won’t let me shave it and fix the whole damn problem. But she won’t let me get the colour taken out unless I get it cut. With the length of my roots right now, if I cut all the coloured parts of my hair I’d look like a cross between Rapunzel at the end of “Tangled” and a dude. THAT IS HOW LONG THESE FREAKING ROOTS ARE!

I just want them gone! I just want to not have to worry about my hair anymore. I want a colour that is similar enough to my natural colour that I can just dye it and be done with it, letting it grow out until all the colour is gone and I’m left with natural hair. My own hair.

So yeah. That’s how yesterday ended. Then this morning she bails, we’re left floundering to try to get to school, I decide that I don’t want to go to class. I decide, why the fuck should I go to an assembly about finances in the UK and US when I’m not even applying there? Nor have any plans to live there in the near future. All my friends skip. They skip regularly. If they can, then so can !I Surely! Surely it can’t be that hard to sit in the library and do my English essay that I so desperately want to finish!

But, of course, my fucking luck kicks in. Not only am I busted, but I’m busted by one of the teachers I hate most in the school. AND to top it all off, the icing on the cake, the cherry on top… she’s the only class I have today.

Chemistry is the ONLY CLASS I HAVE TODAY.

LEKFGNIOUWEHBSJLGKDVNOSUBVSLDJGBSLJVBWOUEGVWEOUFHLDANVBGWOUEFOEFLDABVKHSDBISLDNCKSDBVOUSVWEJBGIUWGSLKVBVSIVW.

So yeah. I’m in a shitty mood. I’m sure it’ll get better though, I have choir today. We’re singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” and although our choir is pretty shitty, all the year 13ers (there’s 3 of us) are getting solos in it. So that is something I’m definitely looking forwards to.

What was your last solo in the school? Oh, just “Bohemian Rhapsody”… Freaking awesome. 😀

Then tonight I’m going to watch the school production, which is supposed to be really, really good.

Hang on. Something just occurred to me.

Oh my god.

I think this day just got better.

I actually don’t think I have chemistry afterall….

I’ve finished the topic in class. I’ve done all the questions. I just need to get the question sheet off her and then I can come back to the library. Right? I mean… that’s what I’ve been doing all week. Chemistry is over until after mocks for me….

YES! SCORE! OMG! OK! SEE? THIS DAY HAS ALREADY JUST GOTTEN 9352680952730% BETTER. I will get the answers off her at break or something… or get them off Nataree. Then I don’t have to see her at all.

English (right now) is a free. TOK is a free. Chemistry is a free. Then I have choir. Then I have one of my ONLY legitimate in-the-timetable frees!

TGIF! Okay, that is probably one of the biggest and best mood swings I’ve ever had ever. All documented in real time, right here.

Hell yeah, my blog, keepin’ it real bitchezzzz! Hahahahahhaa.

I’m smiling so hard right now! God my hormones are fucked. ANYWAY! I am going to finish my English essay and then skip around with the fairies. HAVE AN AWESOME DAY READERS!

PS- I just got another job for tomorrow! More money! Yay! (I think I’m bipolar… just maybe.)