Games and Songs

So I’ve moved on (a little) from Tetris… my new “addiction” is Solitare. I’ve played it about 4-5 times today and m best time is 5 minutes something. Yup.

I also had the acappella thing today. Two solid hours. Thought I was going to throw myself out a window at some points (it got a bit frustrating), luckily- or unluckily- there were no windows and so I remained in the room until we FINISHED THE WHOLE THING! Yeah! Woohoo! We got the whole thing done from start to end! Well… 3 out of the 4 parts can do it from beginning to end. We were missing one of the sections… oh well. I’m going to try and arrange one 2-3 hour session over the holidays so that we’re ALL up to speed and ready to perform on the 19th.

I also need to re-confirm with my head of year that we’re even performing (which will be fun… seeing as avoid talking or even LOOKING at him. At all costs).

Lunchtime was fun… sorta. We had our Graduation photos, which consisted of a lot of noise, a lot of crowding, a lot of looking up and straining our necks… and a lot of clapping. It was nice though, makes graduation feel THAT much closer.

After that… ugh… we had the Head Team Speeches. Yes. It’s that time of year again. This time last year I was full of hope and joy and nervous anticipation. It’s nearly an official year since I started my rebellion and my proper teenhood. It was hard, at first, to watch all those girls and guys go up and give their speeches as to “why they were the best candidate for Head Girl/Boy”.

It hurt deep down knowing that they probably didn’t realise how corrupt the system was. They probably don’t realise that their speeches don’t mean jackshit. They just have to be tight with the right teachers. That’s how you get on the Head Team. Listening to their speeches reminded me of all the speeches I had drafted in the lead up to last year. All those hours I’d wasted making sure my record was spotless and shiny as gold. So yeah… that was probably the worst/hardest part of my day.

I have to vote by the end of the school day tomorrow. Part of me wants to abstain (but that isn’t fair to the candidates). Another- nastier- part of me wanted to write on the slip “my vote doesn’t matter anyway”, but yet again the school has foiled me- it’s all online for voting. Ugh. Instead I’ll vote for the underdogs. The people that reminded me most of me. I have a pretty good idea who’ll win, regardless of my vote.

Don’t really know what else to do right now… gotta walk up to meet my mum at the nearby mall in a few seconds so byeee! 🙂

Post-Exam Surprise (Warning: Rant)

So today was eventful. I’m dying. So tired that my face hurts. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, I’m not ready to see anyone… UGH

I have TOK and Philo Plans to do before I can go to bed though… still no sign of my Philosophy folder *sobs*

I have a meeting and a rehearsal in my first period “free”… I don’t know if I’ll even be able to walk.

My participation in the Classics Symposium is a mere week and a half away… I want to cry because I want so badly to do well that I can’t stand the pressure I put myself under. I haven’t studied the play “Pseudolus” for the last year like the others have. I’ve had Chinese every time they’ve had Classics. I haven’t given myself the time to fully prepare a speech on my EE for the evening either.

I want to do SO MUCH, but there is nothing I can do… but there is. ARGHHH

And because my freaking Chemistry teacher is such a fucking waste of space and oxygen, we have an extra Chemistry session on Saturday morning at 9am. No sleep in. No time to catch up the sleep I’m missing. I have 22 school days left and I can hardly keep my eyes open long enough to listen.

I am so tired of everything and everyone.

At least something good that has come of today is I FINISHED MY CHINESE ORAL EXAM! WOO! (The “downside”- if it can really be called a “downside”- is that I wanted a level 7 (approx 23/25)… she said off the bat she thought it was probably a 22/25 overall. I wanted to cry or hit something.)

What else… oh yeah, I went to the dentist. Had an x-ray (exciting stuff)… apparently all my wisdom teeth are about to come out.

So naturally I will have to get them ALL REMOVED. Apparently. Shoot me. This is not good.

When will it happen? Oh, just 2-3 days after I finish my exams! GRRRR! So I finish IB exams on the 17th, celebrate that night and Saturday… the surgery is on Monday. They say I’ll pretty much be bed-ridden for the next 2 or 3 days after that… and my face. Wow. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’ll look like.

It’s so close to post-exams because it’ll (supposedly) give me enough time to rest up before Ladakh.

I have 56 days until my exams start and 3 entire science topics untouched. My revision is…. not even started really.

I want to say I’m going to stay up until I have the damn TOK and Philo plans done… but I really think I’ll collapse tomorrow if I do. You know how- all those months back- my basketball team won SEASAC? Yeah, tomorrow lunchtime we are having a “celebratory lunch with the Head of the entire School”. Bit late, it’s a nice gesture though. My problem? My mother and sister will be there. I am the only IB kid on the entire team and I will look like death.

I don’t even like most of the girls on my basketball team. What the hell am I going to do at this lunch? I guess I survived an entire weekend with them, this won’t hurt too much in comparison.

OMFG EVER SINCE THE DENTIST I AM NOW HYPER-AWARE OF MY WISDOM TEETH AND THE PAIN IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE… or maybe that’s just the lights… or the tiredness… or the desperate urge to cry… or all of it. I am so close to giving up, throwing the desk over and scream “fuck this shit, I’m out”, or just leaving in the middle of a class with a teacher I hate.

I am too un-organised for my own good. I am the reason behind my slow and painful demise. I am putting myself too much at risk. The reward does not seem to justify the struggle I’m putting myself through.

I want the fun stuff at the other end of the exams. I want the clubbing and partying and school trips and graduation and prom and the graduation trip…. I CAN’T AFFORD IT. I have no idea where the freaking money is going to come from (short of taking it from my Greece Funds…. which I can’t bring myself to do, I just couldn’t because that would be well and truly giving up on my dream. I know it won’t happen this year, but I can’t abandon all hope just yet…).

Clubbing will cost about….. ~$20 per night I go out
Ladakh is a lot of money (even with the grant)
Graduation Prom will be at least ~$150 (and I don’t even have a dress or ANYTHING at this point)
Graudation After-Party is… $120 if I remember correctly
Phuket is $545… only for flights and accommodation. No food or general spending is included in that price.

Altogether I’m looking at… what… $855 minimum (excluding Ladakh, Prom dress, any accessories with Prom, if we have to pay for Graduation Gowns/Hats, an After-Prom dress (probably not going to get one, but just in case) and anything I may need as spending money in Phuket) in TWO MONTHS. TWO! T-W-O! That’d would nearly clean out my entire Greece Fund if it came out of my pocket. My parents will help me with the money and all… Graduation should be from them I think, but extras will be my issue.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. I just want my Philosophy folder so I can do my work and go to bed. I hate IB. I hate my life (I’m ungrateful and worthless, I recognise that). I can’t wait to just leave this all behind me as a distant memory. The sad thing is that I know it doesn’t get any easier from here on out.

Philosophy Headaches

Eeeesh, so we’re doing essay plans in philosophy. Not any essay plans, essay plans with a twist. We have to make them into powerpoints. Shoot me.

My essay plan question: “Critically Evaluate Atheism as a Philosophical Perspective”

It seems nice enough, but my head is killing me. I’m putting far too much into the essay (too many concepts) and so that’ll be another headache to cut back on. Ugh, whatever.

I can’t stop listening to “Give Me Love” (Ed Sheeran), hence the last post’s title (if you didn’t pick up on that, haha).

I have cut 30 words out of my TOK essay. Need to cut another 30. My eyesight has gone to shit. FML. Everything is blurry (in the distance), I might need to up my glasses prescription…

I have to go and see my TOK teacher at lunchtime about the essay…. I told her I’d email her the edited version on Monday night…. I didn’t. I have all of Bio to finish the edits and tell her I “sent” it on Monday… Ugh. Oh IB…

I’m Running Out of Titles About School!!

So hey guys! 🙂

Once more I’m back at school. I come here for at least 6 hours a day, 7 days a week… HOW FREAKING SAD IS THAT!?!! Weekends and schooldays are no different- only on weekends I’m not skiving class. I’m like the ultimate rebel nerd. I like it. 😛

So when I came in to the usual classroom just now I found this:

Which is, of course, an illustration of all the main characters in the two fandoms that my girlies want me to join (I’ve already joined the ‘Supernatural’ fandom (on the left), they’ve yet to convince me to watch ‘Merlin’ (on the right), but that’s mainly because I don’t want to fail IB. I’m already worried about my growing addiction to Sam’s… I mean Jared’s beautiful freaking voice I swear to god he’s an angel in disguise he’s so gorgeous and my baby and oh my god and **OVARIES EXPLODE**

*cough cough*

Heh… hehe… sorry bout that. I just get… a little over emotional about such a stunning specimen of man meat. *Sigh* WHY CAN’T ALL MEN BE SAM FUCKING WINCHESTER! I NEED HIM! o.O

…..Ok, I think I’ll stop now.

MY GOALS!

By lunchtime, 12pm (it’s now 10:30) I will have my two Chemistry IAs finished and sent to my godawful teacher (grr). One was due in yesterday- hence the “I hate Chem” post, I really was desperately trying to get that first one in on time (it’s only a first draft), but I couldn’t. Then I showed up for class and she completely, blatantly ignored me. She’s so childish! I’ve hated her since day 1 so it’s no surprise that she’s such a little bitch, but when she ignores me and gives the ONE OTHER KID IN MY CLASS DOING SL WITH ME extra advice about the IA, you can’t expect me to attempt to give her respect right? She lost my respect ages ago… anyway. I’ll hand them both in today and say the other one is late because I wanted to give them both in together. She can suck eggs. I know she won’t have them marked by Monday anyway.

Ciao for now! 🙂

My School’s “Harlem Shake”

Yes, this happend TODAY at lunchtime. So much fun, I was SOOO DIZZY AFTERWARDS THOUGH!!

As in, I could hardly walk a straight line. Anyway, yeah, I present to you my school’s graduating class of 2013 😛

Just Played My Last Game… (Warning: Lots of Tags and Long Post)

So that’s it. I’m done. I’ll never wear these boots again for my school (or ever again if I don’t play at Uni…). I’ll never be in another school championship. I’ll never get another gold medal for basketball. My high-school basketball career is officially over.

My participation in competitive sports at school is officially over.

I decided not to trial for the netball team. I cried, I felt guilty to my stomach and sad deep in my heart, but it’s the sensible decision. The right decision. The mature decision.

*sobs*

I hate knowing that this is it. School really is ending. I can’t wait to leave, but I’m not so sure I’m ready to leave everything I’ve worked so hard to  build up over the last 14 years.

My mum will never coach me again,  I will never play on the same team as my sister ever again. My co-captain will never be my co-captain ever again. They will never make me feel like an outsider or a try-hard ever again. They won’t make me feel inadequate  Except they already have and do… They’re all on the netball team. I should be on the netball team. 66 girls showed up for the trials today. I could have been the 67th.

I spoke with the coaches at lunchtime and they were really upset (which is a lovely compliment that only broke my heart more). I want to be there playing alongside the girls I’ve played netball with for 12 years. I don’t care that I feel short and fat next to them, that they make me feel slow or clumsy. I just want to be there.

But they all do A-Levels and I do IB. They have exams in 4 months… mine are in 2.

I don’t know if I’ve faced loss at this level before. Family members, fellow students, pets, people moving country, sure I’ve dealt with that. But losing a “life-long career” of sport at my school? I’ll never be known as “the coach’s daughter” at my Uni. I’ll never be shouted at by coaches at schools here again. All the friends I’ve made through sports will be left in the dust when I move on to Australia.

What I think I hate most/ am most disappointed by, is myself. I used to be a great player. I kinda suck now. I went from being starting 5, to being 6th man. Sure I’m still on the team… but falling from grace (if you will) is a hard pill to swallow- even if my mother/coach doesn’t seem to think I care. I do care. I’ve always cared.

I started and finished tonight’s game. We won, yay and all that, but we didn’t feel like a team that just won SEASAC together, we didn’t mesh. It didn’t feel like a final, it didn’t feel like anything when I walked off that court as the final buzzer went.

I think that’s what’s most upsetting for me. The game wasn’t spectacular, I wasn’t spectacular, the teamwork wasn’t there, I felt useless. I’ll never be able to redeem myself as a player in my teammate’s eyes. Sure that’s a minor problem that shouldn’t phase me in comparison to all the other things I have on my plate, but I can’t help that it bugs me.

I want to cry about it, just get the damn emotions out, but I can’t seem to be able to turn on my waterworks- mind you they are ever so sensitive at the moment. I cry at everything (and what’s worse is my whole family is using it against me). I just want to have this whole high-school ordeal over with.

It feels so weird to put my boots away knowing I’ll never pick them up again unless I chose to play with mum’s weekend team… which just ended their latest season. Drats. Forgot that. So yeah, looks like that’s it for me basketball-wise.

You know how the other day I said I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself? Well, today I am. I feel so shitty about myself. On top of that my procrastination has led me to have 2 big deadlines tomorrow that I CAN get done tonight… it’ll just be a late night- which means tomorrow will be emotional and tiring.

I can’t handle being nice. I can’t handle my emotions sabotaging my mood. Sometimes I just want to be left the fuck alone, but then a friend walks by and doesn’t stop and I feel bone-achingly lonely at the rejection, but if they say hi, my boiling point goes through the roof- then I feel guilty. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl.

Right now, I’m not stable enough to be at school and too wound up to be at home. I wonder what it’d be like to just skip school in the legit way. Head into school, hide somewhere ’til the drop-off hubbub dies down, then find a way to sneak of campus and ride the MRT all day until it’s pick up time. I know I don’t have the guts to do it. I know my parents don’t have the sympathy to let me off school for the day. I know my sister is too much a bitch to just keep her fat, pouty, bitch mouth shut.

On that note- I have planned my Valentine’s Day. It’ll be my 17th one alone (I had one wonderful Valentine’s back in the 9 months that I had a boyfriend when I was 16ish, he bought me chocolates and roses and everything, we watched ‘Fantasia’ :3). I know I could/ should hang out with my friends, to be honest I probably will end up doing the opposite of what I have planned, but here’s the plan anyway:

I will order chocolates to be delivered to my house on the 14th (or, more likely, I will buy some on the Wednesday). I will sleep in ’til 10am. Do work until 3pm. Get into pyjamas, get a box of tissues, a blanket I love, a pile of chick flicks and tissue boxes, then proceed to lock myself in the study and watch chick flicks until it’s officially Friday and I’ve “survived” that sucks-to-be-single day.

I really have no desire to spend Valentine’s with friends, bitching about boys or couples or whatever. I have no desire to organise anything, I just want to lie by myself, the single soul I am, and cry at my own pathetic need to hold to my “rules” (such as no boyfriends before Uni). I want to cry and laugh and not worry about burping or farting (I’m only human and yes there are a very privileged few that have heard the latter, the former however, is not an irregular occurrence amongst my group. We have burping competitions- I can’t even win those :/).

My current list of “To Watch”s are:

• He’s Just Not That Into You (fave fave fave fave fave)
• My Big Fat Greek Wedding (all time fave)
• My Life in Ruins
• Chicago
• Clueless
• The Proposal
• Romeo + Juliet (if I’m not already on the brink of throwing myself off the roof by this point- don’t get me started on Titanic- I ain’t touching that shit… btw- by “shit” I mean: movie-that-I-will-probably-cry-myself-to-death-watching-then-resurrect-myself-so-that-I-can-jump-off-the-tallest-building-in-Singapore-before-swallowing-bleach yeah. Those kinda feels.)
• Moulin Rouge
• The Tourist (maybe…)
• Pretty in Pink
• Fantasia 1
• Fantasia 2
• High School Musical (don’t be dissin’)
• Hairspray
• Bridesmaids
• 27 Dresses
• The Adjustment Bureau
• Across the Universe
• Cry Baby
• A Walk to Remember
• Juno
• Knight and Day
• Never Been Kissed
• EVERY DISNEY PRINCESS MOVIE EVER
• 10 Things I Hate About You
• 13 Going On 30
• Made of Honour
• The Leap Year (love love love love love)
• The Notebook (again, if I want to die…)
• Grease
• How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
• Crazy, Stupid, Love
• What Happens in Vegas
• The Killers
• Stardust
• John Tucker Must Die
• The Princess Diaries (all)
• Life As We Know It
• The Back Up Plan
• The Ugly Truth
• Definately, Maybe
• The Accidental Husband
• The Lake House
• The Breakfast Club
• Strictly Ballroom
• The Princess Bride
• (One Day)
• (Bright Star)
• Pride and Prejudice (BBC VERSION- aka: the real version)
• Ever After
• Enchanted (some may not count this as Disney Princess…)
• (Something Borrowed)
• When in Rome
• How to Deal (pretty much all the Mandy Moore movies, Licence to Wed!!!!- all except Because I Said So, which was terrible haha)
• Just Like Heaven
• TiMER
• PS- I Love You (if I want to die)
• (Sixteen Candles)
• CLOUD ATLAS
• Peter Pan
• A Fish Called Wanda
• (Casanova)
• Les Mis (grudgingly… only because Aaron Tveit *ovaries explode*)

Not enough hours in the day I know. The list is in no particular order and needless to say all (well most, lets say 98%) made me cry. Brackets around the film indicate that I haven’t actually seen the film yet.

Yeah. A lot of movies. Lots of tears. I’ll probably die of dehydration from crying so much, then they’d have to kick the door down days later to find my body twisted in the throes of heartbreak and perfectly preserved in the freezing aircon. The ceremony will be short and sweet and people will go “look at that plain face, no wonder she didn’t have a boyfriend”. Yeah. What a way to go, huh?

OR

I could keep my shit together and go party it up at the clubs with my friends because one of them is born on Valentines.

*Sigh*

Tough decisions.

To be honest, making that list made me very, very happy. I don’t know why, I was perfectly miserable at the start of this post, but now I’m quite light-hearted. I guess at the end of the day: I’m a simple soul, I don’t need much to impress me or keep me happy. Just books and good company (that knows when to fuck off and when to cuddle me). For once I want to be the little spoon.

I told my friend that today. She said: “I wonder if guys ever feel like that?”

Good point. So I stick it to all you guys out there that have managed to read this far- do you ever want to be the little spoon? Or is it a masculine-protective thing to be the big spoon?

I know because of my height I always, ALWAYS, am the “protective” cuddler if my friends need a hug.

Again- my school friends reading this, my emotions are frigging out of control, please don’t bring this up at school (I’m kind of hoping this goes without saying so that I don’t have to continually put this warning label at the end..) for all I know I could be happy as Larry tomorrow and feeling guilty for posting such negativity… who knows. I sure as hell don’t.

Anyway, off to CAS and Philosophy. Then bed (if there’s any time left…).

Mocks

Today is supposed to be a GOOD day. It’s anything but.

I had my very last EVER pre-school training this morning. Then I found out that I was wrong about the order of the mocks… I thought I had English THEN Philosophy. But just my luck, it’s the other way around. -.-

Back to Descartes.

PS- I just cried in front of one of my favourite teachers. Wonderful.

PPS- Apparently I can’t buy hot chocolate in the morning. Only water. HOW THE HELL IS A HOT DRINK GOING TO KILL ME? Fucking school. I am so done with this place. All I’ve had to eat is a croissant before basketball. That’s it.  I can’t eat until lunchtime, right before my English mock… I can’t afford to give up any time of revision time for that mock. Probably going to end up skipping lunch. Not a smart idea, but then again, I’m not a smart kid.

Finally!

Skipping first period Chinese (it’s ok, I’m going to 5th period Chinese so). FINALLY! I’m doing this skipping thing right! Haven’t been caught… I’m “hiding” In a cluster of other students and am being surprisingly productive. I don’t have English until tomorrow (the essay I’m working on is for English) so I’m hoping to get this done before lunchtime.

Then I can do CAS as long as I can… with any luck I’ll finish that too (finishing it today would be a godsend because then I can actually revise for the mocks on Wednesday)…

Mocks start on Wednesday so I’m not playing in the game tomorrow night.

It’s my mum’s birthday today so I got my shit together last night and used my freshly earned pay to get her some presents and a slice of red velvet cake (her favourite).

So yeah, I’m on top of *nearly* everything. All my spare cash has been safely stored with my Greece funds.

Next week (to the day) is my dad’s birthday and seeing as I bought his birthday present at Christmas (and his card last night when I bought mum’s), I’m sorted!

I have to tutor again next Sunday, only an hour and a half but that should be easy (compared to the 6 hours I put in over this past weekend).

Tuition tonight, I’m sharing it with Nataree so I’m not sure how that’s going to work. Oh well, whatever happens, happens.

I think if I can get this essay done, then do at least half of my CAS reflections done by tomorrow, I should be on track to start revision tomorrow!

My mock schedule is so unforgiving….

*Sigh*

Tuesday (tomorrow)- I have my Chinese speaking mock. *slumps*… I can’t even be bothered with it. Honestly. But I have a feeling I’m going to really need to ace this. REALLY need to ace this. My Chinese writing is so feeble, I need to make up for it with an amazing speaking and reading exam… Trouble is, the reading exam is near impossible. As in, I have no freaking clue. I’m really worried. Ugh. I’ll make it work. There’s still over 3 months left to go……. right? :S

Wednesday: Chem, EngLit, Philo
Thursday: Philo, EngLit
Friday: Bio, Philo, Maths

Monday: Bio, Maths, Chinese
Tuesday: Bio, Chinese
Wednesday: Chem, Chem

Then I’m off to Thailand for SEASAC. My very last basketball competition at school *wipes away tear*… I desperately hope we make the Championship Finals, even if we come 2nd, that would still be awesome as hell! We’ll see…